I don't want a house like Downton Abbey but I could really use a good butler.

New Ikea product: Chïïkless http://t.co/FF99eSRt

Other side says "See reverse for details." But 5/6 of page is blank, print is 7 point type. #fail , #Rogers. http://t.co/XqdkqvBt

Putin urges a free and fair Russia where the president is fairly free to influence sentencing of political prisoners. #PussyRiot

"Dear #Greece:

Sry ur broke. Pay ur debts & get on w/ recovery pgm or we'll h8 u 4evr."

—txt frm any1 with $£€

"Sex & reproduction is many things but it's not science and biology"--Canada's ass't PM today.

@iztaes I say Ramen to that, baby. Can I get a Ramen? Hallelujah!

@iztaes Humphrey Bogart asked "Who are you, what were you before and did you like it?"

Mom: I take enough tablets, why would I want an iPad?
Me: Let's move on. How's that man you're seeing?

Funny how my silkscreen "1100 people died to make this inexpensive T-Shirt" hasn't caught on.

@haurdcider I had a draft folder once but I kept drinking them.

@sharonvonginger I can't believe it! Nothing about Boxing Day, or that slut Eve? You know, New Year's Eve and her big ball.

@iztaes Oh yeah? Well stuff you, too.

OMG can you spell 'hubris?' *puke. “@ladygaga: Video of me in Paris going to Sephora for my perfume! http://t.co/ycjoQYoF”

Someone is calling me "Will McEvoy" at work now. Gah. http://t.co/cMQjHplK

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries, you empty headed animal food trough wiper.

@iztaes Beards, schmeards. I say.

I replaced a faulty ceiling fixture and now I can't stop turning it on and off to admire my handiwork.

@anniewankenobi Didn't offer him enough dough?

@anniewankenobi I knew a seafaring buoy once. His name was Bob.