Old punks make great dads because we're used to having roommates that puke on us and piss their pants.

I think the only time multiculturalism works is at the Star Wars bar and even then it's kind of tense.

So many great pope jokes on Twitter. Can't wait to hear the same about Rabbis and Muslim clerics.

I don't want a government that cares about me. I don't even want it to know where I live.

Hey celebrities with political opinions, can you please Google them first?

Voter Fraud: When Bush wins. Voter Suppression: When Obama might not.

Sorry languages I don't understand, you're annoying.

"Why did the hipster girl burn her tongue on a slice of pizza? Because she wanted to eat it before it was cool." -Syd

The only place you don't see people wearing Che Guevara shirts is Cuba.

Selling SO? shirts & donating $ to family http://t.co/1hofX220 #IAmAndrewBreitbart please RT

I wrote this about Andrew Breitbart http://t.co/fx6LXWQA

"I ate food and I have a pet." -Instagram

Hey young people, @reppaulryan is one of the only politicians in the world who isn't out to bankrupt you.

If someone disparaged Breitbart tonight and you didn't knock him out, you really need to work on your left hook.

I want to be invited to everything but I don't want to go to anything.

You realize when you like a president just because he's black, it means you're racist, right?

Bill Maher says Boston bombing is proof ALL religions are violent. Dude, I think you spelled Allah wrong.

If you get beaten and arrested tonight, please don't get all "don't taze me bro." Retain a Clint Eastwood face. History is taking pictures.

Everyone on the Internet should take a day off to learn the difference between you're and your.

"My momma weighs the most in our family because she's fat." -Honey Boo Boo