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If you get offended by a tweet, that means it takes 140 characters or less to piss you off, and you should rethink your entire life.
As each degree of temperature drops, Mariah Carey grows stronger. She dances around her home, knowing she will be relevant soon.
Ke$ha is now just Kesha, which makes no ¢ at all.
If our next kid is a girl, I'm naming her Karma.
So when people say "Karma's a bitch," she can snap and be like "that's right."
LADIES AND GAYS: all men are bullshit.
That cute guy on the subway? bullshit
The guy you like? bullshit
Your husband? bullshit
My son just got his first phone call from a friend. When I handed him the phone, he said "hey bitch."
I'm crying tears of joy.
I can't listen to "Jingle Bell Rock" without imagining Gretchen Wieners kick that fucking boombox into the audience.
Somewhere, Beyoncé is sitting around eating Vegan nuggets like "that bitch didn't even shut the power down."
Casey Anthony texts to George Zimmerman:
GEORGE - I'm sooo nervous
CASEY - Naw u got this
GEORGE - But I killed a guy!
CASEY - LOLZ it's FL
My sexuality isn't a choice, but your religion is. So if you chose a religion that condemns people for who they are, you're an asshole.
Be sensitive to white girls as they make the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to gingerbread lattes.
GIRLS AND GAYS: stop over-thinking guys because they sure as fuck aren't over-thinking you.
Yeah, Ariana Grande is great, but just wait until you hear Ariana Venti.
I have three words for everyone bitching that Summer is almost over: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE.
THE 4 SEASONS ACCORDING TO WHITE GIRLS:
Yoga Pants (Mar - Jun)
Pedicures (Jun - Sep)
Pumpkin Spice lattes (Sep - Dec)
Uggs (Dec - Mar)
The Uggs were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a peppermint mocha latte soon would be there.
I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad. BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY: GAHDbusiness@gmail.com.
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