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Ke$ha is now just Kesha, which makes no ¢ at all.
If our next kid is a girl, I'm naming her Karma.
So when people say "Karma's a bitch," she can snap and be like "that's right."
Casey Anthony texts to George Zimmerman:
GEORGE - I'm sooo nervous
CASEY - Naw u got this
GEORGE - But I killed a guy!
CASEY - LOLZ it's FL
Somewhere Beyoncé is sitting around eating Vegan nuggets like "motherfucker didn't even shut the power down."
My son just got his first phone call from a friend. When I handed him the phone, he said "hey bitch."
I'm crying tears of joy.
LADIES AND GAYS: all men are bullshit.
That cute guy on the subway? bullshit
The guy you like? bullshit
Your husband? bullshit
THE 4 SEASONS ACCORDING TO WHITE GIRLS:
Yoga Pants (Mar - Jun)
Pedicures (Jun - Sep)
Pumpkin Spice lattes (Sep - Dec)
Uggs (Dec - Mar)
The Uggs were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a peppermint mocha latte soon would be there.
Beyoncé literally upstaged Santa Claus.
Be sensitive to white girls as they make the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to gingerbread lattes.
To infinity and Beyoncé.
Hurricane Preparation Step 5:
Charge all of your Apple products. Hopefully you'll get their full 2 hours of use once the power goes out.
Every time I hear "Jingle Bell Rock," I can't help but picture Gretchen Wieners kicking that fucking boombox into the audience.
Don't rise and shine. RISE AND MOTHERFUCKING SPARKLE, YOU HOT BITCHES.
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK GAY MARRIAGE IS A SIN: those awful shoes you're wearing are a fucking sin.
I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad. Writer for The Advocate. Business inquiries (only): GAHDbusiness@gmail.com.