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Ke$ha is now just Kesha, which makes no ¢ at all.
If our next kid is a girl, I'm naming her Karma.
So when people say "Karma's a bitch," she can snap and be like "that's right."
Casey Anthony texts to George Zimmerman:
GEORGE - I'm sooo nervous
CASEY - Naw u got this
GEORGE - But I killed a guy!
CASEY - LOLZ it's FL
Somewhere Beyoncé is sitting around eating Vegan nuggets like "motherfucker didn't even shut the power down."
My son just got his first phone call from a friend. When I handed him the phone, he said "hey bitch."
I'm crying tears of joy.
LADIES AND GAYS: all men are bullshit.
That cute guy on the subway? bullshit
The guy you like? bullshit
Your husband? bullshit
Beyoncé literally upstaged Santa Claus.
THE 4 SEASONS ACCORDING TO WHITE GIRLS:
Yoga Pants (Mar - Jun)
Pedicures (Jun - Sep)
Pumpkin Spice lattes (Sep - Dec)
Uggs (Dec - Mar)
To infinity and Beyoncé.
Hurricane Preparation Step 5:
Charge all of your Apple products. Hopefully you'll get their full 2 hours of use once the power goes out.
The Uggs were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a peppermint mocha latte soon would be there.
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK GAY MARRIAGE IS A SIN: those awful shoes you're wearing are a fucking sin.
NO I DON'T WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAN. I WANT SUN AND COCKTAILS AND BEACHES AND POOLS. FUCK YOUR FUCKING SNOWMAN, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S MAGIC.
"What Does the Fox Say" now has a Kidz Bop version, in case you wondered why the terrorists hate us.
Just got off the phone with my kid's school - he got in trouble for calling some girl's Uggs "ratchet."
I'm so proud.
I can't hear "Jingle Bell Rock" without imagining Gretchen Wieners kicking that boombox into the fucking audience.
I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad. Writer for @TheAdvocateMag - Parenting. Business inquiries: GAHDbusiness@gmail.com.