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As each degree of temperature drops, Mariah Carey grows stronger. She dances around her home, knowing she will be relevant soon.
Ke$ha is now just Kesha, which makes no ¢ at all.
If you get offended by a tweet, that means it takes 140 characters or less to piss you off, and you should rethink your entire life.
If our next kid is a girl, I'm naming her Karma.
So when people say "Karma's a bitch," she can snap and be like "that's right."
Casey Anthony texts to George Zimmerman:
GEORGE - I'm sooo nervous
CASEY - Naw u got this
GEORGE - But I killed a guy!
CASEY - LOLZ it's FL
Be sensitive to white girls as they make the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to gingerbread lattes.
Somewhere Beyoncé is sitting around eating Vegan nuggets like "motherfucker didn't even shut the power down."
Yeah, Ariana Grande is great, but just wait until you hear Ariana Venti.
I can't listen to "Jingle Bell Rock" without imagining Gretchen Wieners kick that fucking boombox into the audience.
My son just got his first phone call from a friend. When I handed him the phone, he said "hey bitch."
I'm crying tears of joy.
I have three words for everyone bitching that Summer is almost over: PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE.
LADIES AND GAYS: all men are bullshit.
That cute guy on the subway? bullshit
The guy you like? bullshit
Your husband? bullshit
THE 4 SEASONS ACCORDING TO WHITE GIRLS:
Yoga Pants (Mar - Jun)
Pedicures (Jun - Sep)
Pumpkin Spice lattes (Sep - Dec)
Uggs (Dec - Mar)
GIRLS AND GAYS: stop over-thinking guys because they sure as fuck aren't over-thinking you.
The Uggs were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a peppermint mocha latte soon would be there.
Beyoncé literally upstaged Santa Claus.
Microwaves do not need to give warning beeps after cooking the food - the last thing I'm going to do is forget I just made pizza rolls.
I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad. BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY: GAHDbusiness@gmail.com.