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If our next kid is a girl, I'm naming her Karma.
So when people say "Karma's a bitch," she can snap and be like "that's right."
Casey Anthony texts to George Zimmerman:
GEORGE - I'm sooo nervous
CASEY - Naw u got this
GEORGE - But I killed a guy!
CASEY - LOLZ it's FL
THE 4 SEASONS ACCORDING TO WHITE GIRLS:
Yoga Pants (Mar - Jun)
Pedicures (Jun - Sep)
Pumpkin Spice lattes (Sep - Dec)
Uggs (Dec - Mar)
Hurricane Preparation Step 5:
Charge all of your Apple products. Hopefully you'll get their full 2 hours of use once the power goes out.
To infinity and Beyoncé.
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK GAY MARRIAGE IS A SIN: those awful shoes you're wearing are a fucking sin.
I can't hear "Jingle Bell Rock" without imagining Gretchen Wieners kicking that boombox into the fucking audience.
My son got in trouble at school today for calling some girl a basic bitch.
I couldn't be more proud.
WAY TO TELL IF HE'S GAY:
1) Grab his phone
2) Type in "Beyonce"
3) If it autocorrects to "Beyoncé" with the accent above the "e," he's gay
"What Does the Fox Say" now has a Kidz Bop version, in case you wondered why the terrorists hate us.
If God exists, Paula Deen's son will come out of the closet and bring home a sexy-as-hell black man. And he'll be a vegetarian.
Literally got a phone call from my son's Preschool because he called his teacher ratchet.
That's my baby.
If you say "twerk" 5 times in a mirror in the dark, Miley Cyrus will appear and fuck you with a foam finger.
Gryffindor in the streets, Slytherin in the sheets.
Some playground kid said to my son "HEY BLACK SHIRT, IT'S YOUR TURN!!"
And without missing a beat, he turned around and said "It's NAVY."
And every wizard's like "Butterbeer, Bernie Bott's, stacks of gold at Gringotts; we don't care....we riding Firebolts in our dreams."
When I hear "easy as pie," I'm like "have you made a fucking pie?"
That shit is hard.
I used to be a bitchy gay guy, now I'm a bitchy gay dad. Business inquiries (only): GAHDbusiness@gmail.com.