While repeating over and over in my head "how am I going to pay back 15,000 in tax debt" girls are glueing feathers to hats for "derby day"

"The Pixies" #fatindiebands

sadly throughout my life I've quoted Yoda and Conan the Barbarian more than I have Martin Luther King Jr.

My tweets are all walk off homeruns with no one at the plate to greet me

I am currently two corn dogs into the day.

I like my porn like I like my women...in porn.

I just finished masturbating...sadly I just fantasized about a younger me masturbating.

My daughter is amazing at everything...god I hate her.

I just blew snot out of my nose laughing at an internet picture of a stormtrooper, then I cried remembering walking and seeing real things.

Manhunt update: Ted Nugent has been dropped into Big Bear via Helicopter with nothing but his bow and a U.S. flag. #LAPD

My youngest daughter has always had mostly black little friends..I think she has jungle gym fever

@scott_bowser you have over 1000 followers..I liked you better when you were underground. Say hi to Metallica for me sell out.

I think scientology should call itself the gay witness protection program. @scientology

When I'm walking down a hallway at work I'm very careful I make sure there is no camera before I do my karate moves.

@glottrules @mikecummings @edgalvez @oldmanweldon @elibraden @henlips @brendonwalsh good twits.

@sottey @bretthamil @ninjatek @owenstraw @glottrules @dereksheen @edgalvez @lizziepilcher #FF

@glottrules @duanegoad @bretthamil @sottey @owenstraw @theorvedahl @alysiawood #FF

Lowenbrau humor is when you do dick jokes at an alt comedy show.

People always ask me how I can do stand-up it's because I have a thick skin....from the diabetes.

If you're really really quiet you can hear women all over the globe clicking like on another woman's Shoe pictures.