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While repeating over and over in my head "how am I going to pay back 15,000 in tax debt" girls are glueing feathers to hats for "derby day"
"The Pixies" #fatindiebands
sadly throughout my life I've quoted Yoda and Conan the Barbarian more than I have Martin Luther King Jr.
My tweets are all walk off homeruns with no one at the plate to greet me
I am currently two corn dogs into the day.
I like my porn like I like my women...in porn.
I just finished masturbating...sadly I just fantasized about a younger me masturbating.
My daughter is amazing at everything...god I hate her.
I just blew snot out of my nose laughing at an internet picture of a stormtrooper, then I cried remembering walking and seeing real things.
My youngest daughter has always had mostly black little friends..I think she has jungle gym fever
When I'm walking down a hallway at work I'm very careful I make sure there is no camera before I do my karate moves.
Lowenbrau humor is when you do dick jokes at an alt comedy show.
People always ask me how I can do stand-up it's because I have a thick skin....from the diabetes.
If you're really really quiet you can hear women all over the globe clicking like on another woman's Shoe pictures.
Much like a barbarian I know I am here to crush my enemies and hear the lamentation of their women. Mostly I just hate hippies.