Feeling hideous today? Just think, someone had sex with Honey Boo Boo's mom.

So apparently wolves learn by observing. Not even dogs do that. Not even our receptionist does that.

Maybe I should lay off the porn. I keep forgetting that not everyone's asshole is bleached.

Sext: I'm taking a dump. I left the door unlocked, come on in.

Titty sweat, butt sweat, and of course face sweat. This has been the local weather report.

You guys, I call dibs on dressing like a whore for Halloween this year.

These unflattering photos of Beyonce are making my day :)

I want to join a gym but I don't own any hoop earrings or form fitting slutty workout clothes.

Also, I just wanna know what its like to not wear super extra padded bras.

Dropping a deuce. Or a le deuce for those of you fancy people.

I fucking hate everyone. I truly do. Fuck you guys, fuck this. Fuck you too kittens and puppies.

"I hate how this cocaine is making me lose tons of weight"- said no one, ever.

If there was a line to be crossed, he fucking did back flips over it.

Are you overly happy today? Well just remember that were dying as we speak and you will age terribly.

"I can't wait for the surge of Christmas albums this year" -nobody after 1960.

Cary Grant can verbally abuse me anytime.

I hate everyone.

I just regurgitated some granola bar for my dog. Your move twitter.

Pepper is the miracle seasoning.

I fucking love food. I just want to rub food all over my body.