I starfuck like I real-life-fuck; Alone.

I just tried to favorite an email.

If you watch either Transformers backwards it's still about Shia LaBeouf being a bitch.

When someone says something I like in real life I fav it by pushing their belly button.

Skinny girls: I'm supposed to be giving you my bone, not the other way around. Eat something.

People, rape is not a joke. It's not funny.
Unless it's prison rape and only if it happens to a guy seving time for rape. Then it's fine.

Apparently, a sign reading "For hot chicks only!" on the popsicles makes HR mad.

I just held the door for a woman wearing a Nickelback shirt and I don't even know what to think of myself anymore.

Idea for next week's vacation:
1) Dress in tin foil.
2) Hang around gas stations.
3) Scream "What year is this?!" to strangers.

I like to wear aviators so that I can make people think I'm a time traveling cop from the 80's

While you guys have been playing Words with Friends I've been making my own game called Bad Decisions with my Dick.

Currently seeking a pillow fort princess to save.
And fuck.

In the pillow fort.

Lady, that shirt is cut way too low for you to enjoy eye contact.

Everyone in the office just went to lunch together without inviting me.
Thank fucking god.

"Let me press my lips against you, feel you on my tongue, taste you, love you. You make me feel so good."
- Me, talking to beer.

I still have love letters from third grade stashed away in case anyone is looking for an emotion-free, no-strings-attached fling.

I refuse to waste another morning on Twitter!
After I check these 48 new tweets. And follow any links in them.



Also, DMs!

I really wish I had a helicopter tongue. It would spin around so fast and it would help me eat - Ice cream cones.

Yeah, ice cream cones.

I want to hold you close and whisper those three little words: "Get a towel!"

Fact: If a convenience store doesn't have a bathroom, you're allowed to use that grate under the fountain sodas.