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Actual email from the hubs: "Pick up the kids. Take them to the library. Don't fuck anyone. I'll be back later."
6: Does my fish have to be married before she can lay eggs?
Me: No, honey. Not if she's a whore.
"Oh, you pushed a baby out of your vagina? Well, I took an uncomfortable shit once."
Is twitter even real? My guess is that it's a black ops gov't experiment on sociopaths, alcoholics, nymphomaniacs, & people with mensa IQs.
Got not one but TWO notices for overdue library books in the mail today if you were wondering how gangsta I am.
When you die, other people get all your stuff.
~ Inspirational Tweet ~
I know I don't have a job & I owe 200K in student loans but some guy said I was funny today on twitter so shit evens out. Bye.
If you don't know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can't be friends.
Are Tyler Perry movies some kind of punishment for slavery?
So when do I tell my parents that I dropped out of school to join twitter?
Twitter: where English majors come to die.
It's probably just the bitter old punk in me but the next 15 year old I see wearing a Misfits t-shirt is going to die die die, my darling.
I bet the worse part of any librarians' day is explaining to old people how email works.
Quit with the gold stars, bitches, I already know I'm Jewish.
Taxidermy: Because sometimes being a mortician just isn't creepy enough.
Some guy just asked me if I "collect cans". Really didn't need that hit to my self esteem.
Does hating everyone count as a hobby?
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don't even call back people I know.
Cuddling is for people who aren't dead inside.
You are the most over-sexed under-laid people I've ever had the fortune of meeting.
I talk a lot about serial killers but I'm not weird. Raising two feral children. Crawling out of the afterbirth of stability. Failure at Life.