Getting ready for Perth tonight... Sorting out train times. Life of a comedian is always on the go.

#ff @janewalker @sjzenarchy @allanjpark @scotwithonet_ and @jimmy_bread (because I have not forgotten him this month.)

@allanjpark I use the line "there once was this time at band camp"... It's true I did go to band camp.

If you have some time on your hands meet me at the City Cafe tonight at 8pm. The location is on Blair Street. Always up for a laugh.

I'm sorry but, I look at some people and think they would make good puppets.

I think the dating show Take Me Out would be more exciting with an assassin.

I was at the Portrait Gallery, and after an hour I got a bit bored, so I started to play hot or not when looking at the paintings.

After a long night a man approched me and told me that I need to relaxed and be myself. I told him to eff off... He was dressed a chicken.

Love the new ad for Jeremy Kyle... Did you smash up her Shetland Ponies?