Don't under estimate who you are and what you have to offer. To one person you may be everything they've needed or wanted.

I think this cashier is totally checking me out.

Men with barb wire tattoos around your biceps, I hope you know, you've cock blocked yourself. For. Ever.

You make me smile. Please, keep doing that by any means necessary.

I just tossed a tic tac into my co-workers mouth, mid sentence. He nearly choked and died. Two birds, one stone. Or something like that.

My 14 year old daughter just pulled my tank top up for me because "my boobs were showing".Clearly she is going to be old and lonely forever.

Being 35 and single with kids scares the ever loving crap out of me. I get off on fear, though.So,everyday is like one big orgasm.Its cool.

I just killed a spider BY MYSELF.With a baseball bat.3 shoes.A fly swatter.& a can of raid.All while doing the humpty dance.Who needs a man?

Your tweet was over 140 characters. You'll have to be more clever. OH YEAH? FUCK YOU TWITTER.

I don't have a "type" anymore. Just be good to me, and let me smother you.

Guess If I got out of my pajamas, I might meet some people in real life.

I've got half written tweets in my draft folder that neither high me,sober me, nor drunk me, can decipher.

If you're looking for somebody to rescue you, you'll never find it. Love yourself. Have courage. Be strong. Be you.

You must unlearn what you have learned~Yoda

I like to take my self worth in small doses. In shot glasses, for example.

My toaster may or may not have witnessed a naked dance party to 'vanilla ice ice baby' this morning.

Are the mixed signals guys send, their way of saying, you're so gorgeous you confuse me? That's so adorable. I'll wait for you :)

This inconsiderate twat honked at me at the light because,I was too busy taking pictures of my legs w instagram,when the light turned green.

Netflix just suggested The First 48 because I like Dora the Explorer. Did I miss the episode when Dora popped a cap in Swiper's ass?

Seduce me in the morning, with the corners of your lips slightly curved.