I don't know what the big deal is when there's a mix-up at hospitals. You had a baby. You're leaving with a baby. Chill the fuck out.

I love you guys so much that I carry copies of your profile pictures in my wallet and tell the people I work with that you're my family.

Retweet this if you are a total cunt.

Your head would look awesome on a stick in my backyard.

I think that being married to me would be an entertaining way to spend a couple of weeks.

To the woman who left her dog outside in the rain while she sat down to have a coffee inside: YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGRACE.

And exactly where the fuck are these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles getting all of this money for pizza?

It was after Judas gave him some bad acid, that Jesus went on a kung-fu rampage, killing all the dinosaurs.

I once told my Dad that he sucked for not being a Ghostbuster.

Statistics show that if you own any Shania Twain or Celine Dion albums, you are five times more likely to be beaten up in your own home.

Who is God to judge me? He's the one who got a married woman pregnant.

Some of you have very scary looking eyebrows. Stay away from me.

Sharks don't eat enough people.

Where can I get me a bottle of Unholy water from? I need to cleanse some Christians.

The only reason I keep getting drunk is because you people now expect it of me. I'm doing this for you.

Some people need to be slapped in the cock.

I'm ready to get out of these heels and panties.

I want to lay you down on a bed of donuts.

If Twitter was a real city, instead of blocking someone, you'd just pull a plastic bag tightly over their heads.

There's no point having sex with you. You'd just fall in love with me. Then I'd have to stick you with a homemade shiv.