iPad 2: Available on 3/11.

11th letter of alphabet = K.

3 K = KKK

iPad 2: Now available in white.

Whenever I see "comic" or "comedian" in someone's profile, I always wonder how they have time to tweet while waiting tables.

Just heard a radio ad asking people to trade in their guns for a free pair of shoes. But if I keep my gun, I can have any shoes I want.

Taking a shit.

What, too much information? So are your fucking updates listing your exact global position. Ooh, nice picture of your salad.

Do I not follow you back?

Let me know and I'll correct that.

It may be due to a simple lack of tits in your avatar.

Are you a marginally attractive female armed with a heavily Photoshopped avatar and an occasional fart joke? Here, have 10,000 followers.

Masturbating during my lunch hour probably wasn't the best idea considering how many other people are in this cafeteria.

I just backspaced the fuck out of the creepiest tweet ever.

When life gives you Mike's Hard Lemonade, you're probably gay.

Taco Bell & hot chocolate: because diarrhea shouldn't be a surprise.

Favstar whores: Stop posting links to your own shit to get more stars. If we like it, we'll star it. If not, better luck next time. Move on.

For fuck's sake, can someone get Rachael Ray a lozenge?

Grocery Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?"

Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron".

Some people take Favstar seriously enough to believe it will lead to a huge comedy career. I guess janitors need to have dreams, too.

Anyone who thinks black is slimming obviously hasn't seen the movie Precious.

New rule: You're only allowed to email me if you know what Snopes is and how to use it.

I don't have a Japan joke to go with this pic but I might as well post it before America goes back to not caring: http://t.co/1WgvN4v

Remember, guys - when lighting fireworks, always hold the explosive in your non-masturbation hand.

@miamisnap I think you're safe.

If you're against the death penalty, you've obviously never met a white guy with cornrows.