Screaming, "I love you! Don't leave me!" at the cat this morning may have been the lowest point in my life

Sometimes you don't need a friend to find the brightside of a bad situation.Sometimes you just want them to acknowledge that you're fucked.

I want to buy a storage unit, fill it with disturbing things, stop paying the bill, & watch the media frenzy.

I forgot how much 12 year old boys liked boobies till I had to teach 5 of them how to dance today....

I wish Robert would go Downey on my Jr.

"Never mumble some sarcastic shit to somebody who can obviously fuck you up" -- @finallevel

Dear cats,
Please stop shitting in the bathtub.
Sincerely,
The People That Fucking Feed You

Yesterday my BFF made a dumb joke about watching my purse and I told her it was too stupid to post. Today, it's on the leaderboard. FML

Every Christmas I get horribly sick. I think I'm allergic to Jesus

I'm tweeting that #3wordsaftersex

I'm the only girl at the pool not reading a Twilight book. Related: I'm the hottest girl at the pool

I just learned that I can clap with my boobs

Take me to your leaderboard....

You bitches need to fave more of my tweets #shamelessplug

You know a movie is going to be good when a woman pulls a phone out of her vagina within the first three minutes.

I'm tired of talking about sex on twitter...let's talk about something else......JK!

Husband just elbowed me in the forehead for no reason....





Ok, so maybe I bit him


But it still hurts

Grant: Your cat smells good. Smells like Chinese food or something.

My husband came up with this:"The snakes in Spain stay mainly on a plane."~Samuel L. Jackson as Professor Higgins in "My Motherfuckin' Lady"

This whole day I've been thinking that Jimmy Dean died of a disease called "vuvuzela"