Homeless guy: Sir can you spare a dollar.
Me: Blow me.
Homeless guy: That'll cost ya 5 dollars.
Me: That's not a bad deal...

Every time I start winning an argument with my dad he says "oh yeah well I fucked your mother!" I can't compete with a statement like that.

I fucked 99 midgets and got crabs from 1.

If anyone's free tomorrow I need help digging a hole to bury this extremely heavy rolled up rug.

I wish I could hug everyone who orders a steak rare.

I just named my testicles the left one is thunder and the right one is lightning! It's time to make it rain bitches!

God I hope elephants don't remember EVERYTHING..........

Me: Where are the jalapenos?
Guy stocking shelves at the grocery store: Go fuck yourself.
Me: Ok

Fact: 20% of men you shake hands with has recently masturbated without washing their hands

Fact: that number doubles when I am in the group

I just started a prostitution ring with ladies from the Alzheimers ward. They don't remember the beatings so that's a plus.

I wish things like work and family would stop getting in the way of my twitter account.

Do you like football?

A) Fuck Yeah

B) what's football?

C) No I'm gay


-NFL replacement referee test question.

There are more important things in life than politics. Like football.

I love it when my dad calls just to say how much I've disappointed him.

You sick mother fuckers rock!

I wish that there were enough people in my family and my neighbors family and there was a river between us to have a feud and kill eachother

I need more fucked up shit to happen so I am inspired to tweet and laugh.

Sometimes I wish sheep would just hold still.

If I had Mitt Romney's money I wouldn't wanna be president I would retire and buy a fucking island.....has anyone suggested that to him yet?

My daughters having a bad day to help her cope I am introducing her to marijuana.