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Homeless guy: Sir can you spare a dollar.
Me: Blow me.
Homeless guy: That'll cost ya 5 dollars.
Me: That's not a bad deal...
Every time I start winning an argument with my dad he says "oh yeah well I fucked your mother!" I can't compete with a statement like that.
I fucked 99 midgets and got crabs from 1.
If anyone's free tomorrow I need help digging a hole to bury this extremely heavy rolled up rug.
I wish I could hug everyone who orders a steak rare.
I just named my testicles the left one is thunder and the right one is lightning! It's time to make it rain bitches!
God I hope elephants don't remember EVERYTHING..........
Me: Where are the jalapenos?
Guy stocking shelves at the grocery store: Go fuck yourself.
Fact: 20% of men you shake hands with has recently masturbated without washing their hands
Fact: that number doubles when I am in the group
I just started a prostitution ring with ladies from the Alzheimers ward. They don't remember the beatings so that's a plus.
I wish things like work and family would stop getting in the way of my twitter account.
Do you like football?
A) Fuck Yeah
B) what's football?
C) No I'm gay
-NFL replacement referee test question.
There are more important things in life than politics. Like football.
I love it when my dad calls just to say how much I've disappointed him.
You sick mother fuckers rock!
I wish that there were enough people in my family and my neighbors family and there was a river between us to have a feud and kill eachother
I need more fucked up shit to happen so I am inspired to tweet and laugh.
Sometimes I wish sheep would just hold still.
If I had Mitt Romney's money I wouldn't wanna be president I would retire and buy a fucking island.....has anyone suggested that to him yet?
My daughters having a bad day to help her cope I am introducing her to marijuana.