If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.

Bin laden dead. Whitey Bulger found. West Memphis 3 free. Feels like America has been cancelled & the loose plot lines are being tied up.

"I pretty da pool". - Mr. T, cleaning his pool

Congrats to that skydiver, but technically humanity’s longest free fall is still @tlc

Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney because he's been videotaped holding every possible position too.

So wait, I get to vote for Obama AND make Ted Nugent go away?

Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.

Reminder: the Americans that will decide the constitutionality of government health care all have top notch government health care.

Biden waits calmly in a stolen Trans-Am for Obama to finish. His satin scorpion jacket glides across the leather as he checks his watch.

America’s gun laws & mental health system need complete overhauls. If we ignore these problems, the senseless slaughter will continue.

America will love the replacement refs when they're Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi & Kevin James in SCABS (2014, PG-13)

Bill Clinton: You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home! #DNC2012

Twitter is the flight data recorder of your descent into madness.

Stop Kony: Not the worst campaign of 2012.

Ron Paul is more fun if you pretend he's on the same mission that Bruce Willis was on in 12 Monkeys. #tweetthepress

The worst part of sex with Tyler Perry is Madea’s fat suit watching from a rocking chair.

When I fart & my wife thinks it was the dog I feel like Jason Bourne.

Of everything that went away last year I'll miss due process the most.

Vaccines. RT @jennymccarthy When you travel, what are some of your must-have items?

If you think being single on Valentines sucks, try not being single on Thanksgiving.