If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.

"I pretty da pool". - Mr. T, cleaning his pool

Congrats to that skydiver, but technically humanity’s longest free fall is still @tlc

Bin laden dead. Whitey Bulger found. West Memphis 3 free. Feels like America has been cancelled & the loose plot lines are being tied up.

Vaccines. RT @jennymccarthy When you travel, what are some of your must-have items?

Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney because he's been videotaped holding every possible position too.

Twitter is the flight data recorder of your descent into madness.

Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.

Biden waits calmly in a stolen Trans-Am for Obama to finish. His satin scorpion jacket glides across the leather as he checks his watch.

The worst part of sex with Tyler Perry is Madea’s fat suit watching from a rocking chair.

Stop Kony: Not the worst campaign of 2012.

Bill Clinton: You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home! #DNC2012

When I fart & my wife thinks it was the dog I feel like Jason Bourne.

So wait, I get to vote for Obama AND make Ted Nugent go away?

My signature messy sex move is "the cheesesteak" where I don't have sex & then eat a sandwich.

America will love the replacement refs when they're Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi & Kevin James in SCABS (2014, PG-13)

Mitt Romney’s accountant just leapt out a window screaming I” DID IT ALL FOR YOU, MITT!”

If you think being single on Valentines sucks, try not being single on Thanksgiving.

Reminder: the Americans that will decide the constitutionality of government health care all have top notch government health care.

Tyler Perry's Madea fat suit flows onto his body like it was Venom.