If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.

Bin laden dead. Whitey Bulger found. West Memphis 3 free. Feels like America has been cancelled & the loose plot lines are being tied up.

"I pretty da pool". - Mr. T, cleaning his pool

Congrats to that skydiver, but technically humanity’s longest free fall is still @tlc

So wait, I get to vote for Obama AND make Ted Nugent go away?

Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney because he's been videotaped holding every possible position too.

Reminder: the Americans that will decide the constitutionality of government health care all have top notch government health care.

America’s gun laws & mental health system need complete overhauls. If we ignore these problems, the senseless slaughter will continue.

Everyone working at Whole Foods looks like they were kicked out of Smashing Pumpkins.

America will love the replacement refs when they're Adam Sandler, Steve Buscemi & Kevin James in SCABS (2014, PG-13)

Biden waits calmly in a stolen Trans-Am for Obama to finish. His satin scorpion jacket glides across the leather as he checks his watch.

Bill Clinton: You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home! #DNC2012

Ron Paul is more fun if you pretend he's on the same mission that Bruce Willis was on in 12 Monkeys. #tweetthepress

Stop Kony: Not the worst campaign of 2012.

Of everything that went away last year I'll miss due process the most.

Twitter is the flight data recorder of your descent into madness.

When I fart & my wife thinks it was the dog I feel like Jason Bourne.

The worst part of sex with Tyler Perry is Madea’s fat suit watching from a rocking chair.

If you think being single on Valentines sucks, try not being single on Thanksgiving.

If you don't have anything nice to say, tweet that shit.