Vaccines. RT @jennymccarthy When you travel, what are some of your must-have items?

There's never been more journalists & and so little journalism.

Somebody spent their entire day explaining Bitcoins to Leno.

Let's vote the pool water off that celebrity diving show.

Trump is what happens if you let King Joffrey get old.

The Tonight Show is on hiatus so Mavis Leno is the Fukushima 50 of Jay’s fiscal cliff jokes.

I thought schools would be safer with armed guards. I also thought a chocolate factory job would’ve helped Jeffrey Dahmer’s cooking. Nope.

If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself.

Biden waits calmly in a stolen Trans-Am for Obama to finish. His satin scorpion jacket glides across the leather as he checks his watch.

“Gentleman, we have an opening for one President.”

(Jim Lehrer breaks a pool cue in half & throws it down.)

“Start debating.”

When my father is disappointed he makes the same face that Harrison Ford had when there was an Ewok around. http://t.co/qFAMSBWs

I won't even tell you the horrible things I would do be paid to write a shitty movie about the replacement refs.

Earth: What’s a matta you, Hey ya gotta no respect It’sa not so bad, it’s a nicea place.

Humans: Ah Shuddupa ya face

The ‘high road’ on Twitter is actually at sea level.

My signature messy sex move is "the cheesesteak" where I don't have sex & then eat a sandwich.

When Twitter goes public we'll finally see a check for all these tweets, right?

When Nancy Grace is murdered we'll all be suspects.

Ron Paul is more fun if you pretend he's on the same mission that Bruce Willis was on in 12 Monkeys. #tweetthepress

I would settle for Mark Wahlberg stopping Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

War Horse is definitely the most fun I've ever had watching Germans shoot at a horse for 2 hours.