I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.

The way a man treats a woman speaks more about his character than anything else he does in life.

Men fall in love: When a woman can make a sandwich.

Women fall in love: When a man can fuck her good enough to deserve a fuckin' sandwich.

It's only taken me 3 months to realize it, but Twitter isn't about followers or Trophies. It's about laughter & if you're lucky, friendships

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

There's nothing so horrible in life that a stiff drink or rough sex won't fix.

The sexiest thing about a man is not his smile, his eyes, or even his personality; it's knowing the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE.

I'm not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I'm the one your Father highly recommended.

You call it: "ignoring you"

I call it: "selective non-participation of interacting with your existence"

I don't write my number on bathroom stalls anymore, because that's just plain slutty. However, I do leave my Twitter name, because followers

Apparently, asking the hot new guy where I can insert my two quarters to ride his gorgeous face was somehow inappropriate. -According to HR

Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are:


Let me introduce myself.

Spankings: What you dreaded as a child, but crave as an adult.

That "Oh, FUCK!!!" moment when you open your lunch bag and suddenly realize you have the pudding cup, and your kid has the JELL-O shot.

When a woman wears black panties, she means fucking business.

Related: I only own black panties.

Hey all you perverted, smart-assed, sarcastic guys out there, I'm the female equivalent of you. Take note.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

A phenomenal mind trumps a phenomenal body.

Every. Fucking. Time!

You had me at: I have a gift card to the liquor store.

In honor of my Beloved Mother who lost her 3 year battle to Cancer 10 years ago today, I dedicate this tweet.
You are loved & missed, Mom <3