I wish you guys gave a fuck this much every time an 18 year old Marine comes home in a coffin.

Me: Let's rent Pulp Fiction.
Her: What?
Me: Let's rent Pulp Fiction.
Her: What?
Me: SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME MOTHERFUCKER I DARE YOU!!!

2 gerbils are walking past a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says Let's go in and get shit-faced.

I can satisfy my girlfriend with only 3 1/2 inches.


It's called my credit card.

That awkward moment when you realize you locked your keys in the car at the abortion clinic and need a coat hanger.

I usually cry after sex but in my defense I use a pretty big onion.

Sometimes I wonder why I hate everyone. Then I realize it's because of everything.

The Eagles symbolizes courage.

The Dove symbolizes love.

The Swallow symbolizes true love.

In embryos, the first thing to develop is the anus. So we basically start off as assholes.

I guarantee no one has ever been patient enough to find out what the shelf life of cocaine is.

I don't understand why you people call them "haters". When I was younger we just called them "assholes".

"Fuck it."



- What I say to myself before I hit send on all my tweets.

The batteries in our smoke detector went out. Now I'm not sure when dinner is done.

Let's be honest.

There is Twitter.

Then there is our Twitter.

You know what is elite? Funny fucking tweets are elite and I would like to see more of those.

A Mexican walks into a bar and orders a corona with lime.

I forgot the rest of the joke but your mother is a whore.

If I could have back all the money I have spent on drugs and alcohol I would have a lot of drugs and alcohol right now.

Barbie and Ken must be married because Barbie's knees don't bent.

Hey Congress; Before you halt the Military pay why don't you think about what you trained us to do.


Sincerely,

The Marines

When I started dating my girlfriend I would get aroused when she would eat a banana.

9 years later I get aroused when she chokes on it.