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Twitter is like a bathroom book written by a schizophrenic .
No amount of pretty makes up for bitch.
Theft is the sincerest form of taking things
Fuck you Low Battery Indicator
Like I fucking ca
I've seen a lot of shit in my lifetime but never the one I stepped in.
Twitter is like wandering the halls with an IV drip
Bumping into people wearing robes and slippers
My balls are funny looking
So I call them my jesticles
I have a master plan but
I'm not sure what it is
I LOVE BREASTS!*
*but not my mom's...or my daughter's..... or men's...and maybe yours....I meant chicken anyway.
When I run out of toilet paper I scoot around on the carpet to make a point.
She may be crazy but she's reasonable about it
I'll betcha Meryl Streep could make an empty box look heavy.
My son was in a band named Flesh Tunnel. He was 12 at the time so I didn't let him know I thought it was funny.
When it comes to angry
I got mad skills
I was just going in to take a dump with my iPad and my wife said: taking all your friends with you huh?
Just remember, keep on trying!
And if you lose, you're a loser.
I was challenging Dr. Seuss to a rhyme off one day and he kept making up words.
Sometimes you are so funny I have to unfollow you so I can follow you again.
I know if I tell my wife a joke and she hates it I'm going to tweet it.
Just another false messiah. My porn name is Huge Aackman. If you're a thin skinned Democrat or Christian don't follow me!
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