You should never fuck with intelligent people who are bored.

No amount of pretty makes up for bitch.

Twitter is like a bathroom book written by a schizophrenic .

Theft is the sincerest form of taking things

I've seen a lot of shit in my lifetime but never the one I stepped in.

Fuck you Low Battery Indicator
Like I fucking ca

Twitter is like wandering the halls with an IV drip
Bumping into people wearing robes and slippers

I LOVE BREASTS!*





*but not my mom's...or my daughter's..... or men's...and maybe yours....I meant chicken anyway.

When I run out of toilet paper I scoot around on the carpet to make a point.

My balls are funny looking
So I call them my jesticles

I'll betcha Meryl Streep could make an empty box look heavy.

When it comes to angry
I got mad skills

My son was in a band named Flesh Tunnel. He was 12 at the time so I didn't let him know I thought it was funny.

I have a master plan but
I'm not sure what it is

I was just going in to take a dump with my iPad and my wife said: taking all your friends with you huh?

I was challenging Dr. Seuss to a rhyme off one day and he kept making up words.

Sometimes you are so funny I have to unfollow you so I can follow you again.

I know if I tell my wife a joke and she hates it I'm going to tweet it.

I find that if I smoke a bowl, the shit I have in the fridge tastes better.

Just remember, keep on trying!
And if you lose, you're a loser.