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You should never fuck with intelligent people who are bored.
No amount of pretty makes up for bitch.
Twitter is like a bathroom book written by a schizophrenic .
Theft is the sincerest form of taking things
I've seen a lot of shit in my lifetime but never the one I stepped in.
Fuck you Low Battery Indicator
Like I fucking ca
Twitter is like wandering the halls with an IV drip
Bumping into people wearing robes and slippers
When I run out of toilet paper I scoot around on the carpet to make a point.
I LOVE BREASTS!*
*but not my mom's...or my daughter's..... or men's...and maybe yours....I meant chicken anyway.
My balls are funny looking
So I call them my jesticles
I have a master plan but
I'm not sure what it is
I'll betcha Meryl Streep could make an empty box look heavy.
When it comes to angry
I got mad skills
My son was in a band named Flesh Tunnel. He was 12 at the time so I didn't let him know I thought it was funny.
I was just going in to take a dump with my iPad and my wife said: taking all your friends with you huh?
I was challenging Dr. Seuss to a rhyme off one day and he kept making up words.
Sometimes you are so funny I have to unfollow you so I can follow you again.
Just remember, keep on trying!
And if you lose, you're a loser.
I know if I tell my wife a joke and she hates it I'm going to tweet it.
I find that if I smoke a bowl, the shit I have in the fridge tastes better.
Someday you will be gone. Dust. Remembered by few. In the big picture. And sooner rather than later!