The first rule of Twitter is, save your funniest jokes for when the Americans are drunk- because the English & the Aussies are always drunk.

Do people really get jealous of other people talking to their twitter crush?

That's kind of like being jealous of someone's Monopoly money

Twitter - where winning means you're probably a loser.

If I ever get married - I'm choosing my spouse really fucking carefully because 50% of marriages end up LASTING FOREVER!

If I were Jesus, I wouldn't have turned water into wine.


I'd have turned flour into Cocaine and made a fucking killing.

I'll stop.


But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

No amount of hotness can compensate for stupid.

Flavor Flav must feel really awkward when he is late for something.

When I'm feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don't seem so bad.

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We'd have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

It's ironic that most anti-depressants make you fat.

A star is like saying, "Hey, I listened to your thought."


And that's the only real prize here.

Anything you say can and will be used against you by a woman.

It’s only indecent exposure if you’re ugly.

If the Aussies all go silent, we'll know the Mayans were right.

False hope is a thousand times crueler than honesty.

Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

Currently in jail. They let me use my iPhone for my one phone call and I opted to Tweet instead. Good decision, right?

Tell me how depressed you are on a scale of one to ten days in sweatpants.

How do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?