just don't go to a gunfight

"yo genie"
"sup"
"3 wishes bro?"
"yea"
"i want horizontal pupils like a goat"
"huh, why?"
"wish number 2, no more loser questions from genie

"I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKING MONEY CHANGERS IN THIS MOTHER FUCKING TEMPLE."

- Samuel L Jesus

What's 4.5 billion years old, but isn't allowed to sit at the grown up table?

Pluto (miss you)

I just want to get attention the right way, by saying something trite and stupid.

Fox News is a bunch of liars cause they never report news on foxes.

I love playing with your hair. I got them from your bathroom plug holes and made a doll from them.

I don't know what loser decided chicken noodle soup is good for the soul. When my soul hurts I drink vodka and that usually does the trick.

I'm going to tell my fat that I love it very much, maybe it will leave me too.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

I wonder what Wilson from castaway was like in real life?

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell salesmen”

Frankly, most of you kind of scare me.

Girls Gone Wild: Literally. In the woods. Eating ants.

Wife said she loves it when I act all manly.

I grumbled, took a swig of my beer as I changed the channel.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Dance like the whole world is watching, and you don't give a shit.

Tattoos are probably female with all that, 'Look at me!' and, 'Stop staring!' and, 'I have an interesting tale,' and, 'Fuck you for asking.'

For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

Some men post far too many selfies on Instagram to really be "heterosexual"

Your tweets are tricky. They’re not just to me are they?