4 yr Son asked "Why do we open doors for girls?" Me "For when the Zombies attack....all part if the plan Son"

Twitter is my adult form of imaginary friends

http://t.co/FHFo3nXb

#MIZ #ZOU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #FUCKU #MIZ #ZOU

If you use asscunt or asshat in a tweet I will Rt that shit

Luck of the Irish http://t.co/2G7lYenx

I would kill a Bitch for some white castle right now

Fuck you #kU, Fuck you #kSU, Fuck you #OU #Iowa State your cool and Fuck you UT We're OUT.... signed #MIZZOU (tosses mic)

And yes I have shown my offspring the hand signs to " 2 Legit 2 quit... #HammerTime #ohohooohooohoh

Father Who Killed Daughter's Alleged Molester Won't Face Charges In Lavaca County, Texas http://t.co/K5rnIVqB via @huffingtonpost

The Royals win the Royals win THE ROYALS WIN..... FTW THE MUTHA FUCKIN ROYALS WON YA'LL

http://t.co/6yDCDJnp

I forgot how to do this

I set the bar a little higher for myself... And now I can't reach it and by "it" I mean the hard alcohol....

I always wondered why the muppets had large protruding eyes, then I realized I would too if I had a hand up my ass

"@jimrome: That was just the biggest groundout in Royals history." It ran longer than Rome is burning

Hide your wife it's Tiger Time

Poker tourney #SidePockets LeesSummit Feb 24 $30 if paid by Monday $40 @ door. Benefit youth baseball team for buddy winner $500. DM

Reading on fb an ass hole that made fun of my shoes in grade school is in hospital.... I hope that kidney stone hurts like a BITCH #karma

Love all the #Mizzou #SEC HATERS.... if any of you had a chance to leave the sorry ass B12 you would. Have fun bitches we OUT....