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These bitches acting like it's not 'lady-like' to belch after shotgunning a few beers
Facebook is where my fam goes to be cordial to each other. In real life it's a bunch of hair-pulling and 'fuck you's. Much more entertaining
When someone says, "Don't be a sourpuss" it apparently means they don't want you to be grumpy. Definitely not what I thought, I was way off.
I hate when strangers touch other people's kids. Knock it off guys! You don't know where that thing has been!
I think a person should only have to unexpectedly find a maximum of one dead body in their lifetime.
Watching Pride & Prejudice to remind myself what my love life will never be like. Mostly because this isn't the 1800s.
"I don't have time for the speed limit!" ~me, always
I make my football picks based on who is wearing the cutest costume.
Sitting in this office, just saw four kids in a row trip over the same standing fan.
I would definitely hire Barry Zuckerkorn over Bob Loblaw any day.
I have a blister on my thumb that really hurts, so I'm sorry, I can't help you with anything that constitutes manual labor.
The wrap I made for lunch looks so shitty, apparently people think I went to Taco Bell.
When I say, "OMG! That is the cutest thing I've ever seen!" I'm lying, 100% of the time.
I'm convinced that all the people that have bikeracks on the back of their cars are in a club called, "Make Jay Feel Lazy and Out of Shape"
At this point in the morning, there is nothing more disgusting than a mouthful of soggy cereal.
Dawn dish soap with Olay hand renewal looks curiously like the strawberry daquiri Sobe Lizard Lava. They probably taste pretty similar too.
Just so you all know, I'm unfunny on purpose. Tweeting one hilarious thing would just put me under pressure to do it continuously.
It's fun pretending your potato salad for the cookout is homemade when really, you dumped it out of the container and added eggs.
"I like monkeys, but I fucking love high fives"
Had screaming match w/ my cat. She growled at me & I called her a bitch for making me go outside in a kneebrace w/ a flashlight to find her
I have a degree in accounting, so yeah, it's no wonder I spend so much time here.