Stop tweeting shit like "RIP Justin Bieber", it's not cool, its fucking mean... You shouldn't get peoples' hopes up like that

I unfollow anyone that makes jokes about 9-11. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING funny about the day John Ritter died.

Note to Mini-golfing families: When you're at a hole with a Par 5, and your kids takes 75 swings, its not cute. Move along before I kill you

Hey guys, I'm finally following Miley Cyrus... I wish she would rejoin Twitter, though.

So, Khloe Kardashian is famous because her sister is famous for having sex with a guy who is famous because his sister is a shitty singer?

Because of porn, men have seen more male asshole than they ever would have thought.

Hey guys, I just stopped using Google+

I hope my gps never tells me to kill anyone.

Penn State jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldn't rape them.

Hey guys, I'm on Google+ now.

I hate when people tell me to picture people naked when I get nervous. I feel like me getting a boner will just embarass me.

If I ever get a terminal disease, I’m gonna be cool about it, and send Congratulations cards to all my enemies.

I wear my pants low so that the base of my wiener is always showing, and when girls look at it, I call them perverts.

No, YOU spend too much time trying to re-word a joke so that it fits into the 140 characters that Twitter allows. I just re-word it for fun.

They say it takes real strength to show emotion. Does it also take real strength to pick a fight with a girl on crutches? If so, I'm strong.

If Hulk Hogan's sex tape doesn't feature interference by the Iron Sheik, I'm not even gonna bother watching it.

I imagine sex for a girl is like playing Mortal Kombat against someone that keeps doing the same moves over and over again.

Sombreros are stealing jobs from cowboy hats.

Girls have periods because Freddy Krueger fingers them in their dreams.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there, having sex with the shades open.