Go ahead, tell the internet. Tell it everything.

Only twitter keeps you in bed an extra hour while you discuss cameltoe with a stranger.

My best advice to women of the world: hang out with funny men.

WHERE IS OBAMA'S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL LUNCH BOX?

Chimpanzees in Germany built a crude ladder of sticks and escaped their cage. People, they are coming for us.

I am so sick of these old men on t.v. talking about how they have to pee all the time.

If someone is calling you crazy, look at them closely. It's nothing but control.

I love people with weird personal mannerisms and a sharp, off-center mind. I love off-step, fuck you, this is my life, People kinda people.

We don't have to worry about terrorist attacks: #America is killing itself at Batman movies.

The blue singing toilet paper bears enrage me.

Stop reading dirty books and lead a dirtier life, Ladies.

On 9/11, I think about the firemen. Can you imagine what hope they gave to everyone in those towers? I think of that gift all the time.

Girls are difficult with all the buttons and secret passageways. With dudes, it's just that one big lever you pull.

Isao Nagai, 62, of Japan: "There's a comfort we get from each other. It's simple. We've all got nothing. Not half or some. Nothing."

i don't want followers. I want naked men. Can you give me that?

Who would have a pretend boyfriend? A real one is icky enough.

Being happy is a choice. It takes courage.

the Olympics should have a caveat: "Women, but no Titties"

I've got a roll of fat that props my laptop up PERFECTLY

They are checking for life on Mars by tracking methane? A farting Martian?