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Saw a homeless guy this mornin' he said, "Any change?" Me, "Nope, you're still cold and homeless." We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
New condom slogan...
Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.
If I die at Walmart.. please drag my body to Target before calling 911.
I could tell by the look on the lady's face in the stall next to me.. that it wasn't the right time to play Peek-a-Boo.
I hate to sound racist but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
"You're ugly and you're a cunt."
I think that's the last time my coworker asks me how she looks.
Please stop makin' the strings on your tampons so long. It's my fuckin' period.. not a visit from Tarzan!
Jessica Simpson said today her boobs are too big for running.. maybe she should try using her fuckin' feet, stupid bitch.
No girl is ever out of your league.. you just have to learn how to play the game, silly.
It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.
I don't normally drink alcohol, but when I do.. it's weed. :)
I've done so many kegels in my 42 years that.. I can now shift my car with my vagina.
Hello, fellas! :)
Sometimes you just have to say.. fuck it, or fuck me, or fuck you, or fuck off.
Whatever the fuck works for ya, really.
Just found a bag of weed in the elevator.
Looks like someone's gonna have a bad day. And guess what? It ain't fuckin' me! Giggity!
Guys, if there's ever a doubt just look at her feet. If they're gnarly and look like eagle talons.. chances are, her pussy's not so fresh.
I like my men like I like my milkshakes...
thick and down my throat. :)
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious.
I miss the days when you could beat the shit outta someone without being video taped.
Honestly.. who doesn't like their asshole licked?
Seriously.. they never even mentioned it in sex ed, so it makes it ok to like it.
My son forgot to hide his stash and his bong. Silly boy.. you know mama's gonna road test that shit. :)
Take another lick, bitch.. this is what awesome tastes like.
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