There is no "I" in teamwork. But it is in "Marijuana", "Tequilla", "Tits", "Dick", and "Strippers", so yeah, fuck teamwork.

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

My exhusband HATES blistex. What he really hates is the taste of cat asshole. Don't ever piss me off and leave me alone w/ your chapstick.

there is a guy jerking off in the car next to me. I bet I follow him on twitter.

I bet hipsters only use bottled water in their bongs.

My safe word is "harder"

Your AVI is the perfect size for my heart locket

I feel extra masturbatie today

This fucking whore at McDonalds is just a little too confident with her "thank you, have a nice day." bullshit! I'm gonna McFuck her up!

If I'm wearing my sundress, someone's seeing titties.

I work with some people I really can't stand, mainly, everyone.

If a toliet company had a commercial that said "because you flush alot of shit down your toliet." in Morgan Freeman's voice, I'd buy it.

How do I tell him to "spray his babies on my face" without sounding like a complete whore?

There's some gay guys that are so cute that I'd like to booze them up & just tell 'em, "put it my ass & we'll act like this never happened."

unless you're my boyfriend or dairy queen, don't try shoving things down my throat

let's put larry the cable guy, kid rock, guy fieri & carrot top in a locked room with some bathsalts and watch the fun begin. who's with me?

Why do all my friends ask me for blow job tips? or why their guy won't eat them? its easy ladies: suck it like you mean it & wash your ass.

I hate when I'm tryna look cool, walking around the trailer park in my booty shorts, and my tampon string is hanging out! #goddamnit

Is it weird that I like to donkey punch myself when I'm masturbating? It's hard to do, but man is it satisfying!

My pussy has a clef lip. No seriously! When she hisses, she looks really stupid! And when she eats her meowmix, she drops it everywhere!