Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I hate how Paper cuts are the most excruciating pain for like 5 seconds
When someone calls you ravishing and you don't take it as a compliment because the word itself sounds ugly.
Relax North Korea you can have James Franco and Seth Rogen we don't want them either.
•Bubble wraps the planet•
NOW all your bases are covered
*knocks on door*
Hello! Can I interest you in a... ahh, fuck I see you've already got one, sorry. -- Door to door door salesman
Explain it to me like a 3 year old with a side of pudding
I'm the type of filthy degenerate that will shake presents to try and guess what they are
*staring off into horizon*
Ugh I wish there was a wall there instead.
*sees mother walking down the street
*stops, drops and rolls
You know you're getting old when people just start buying you comfortable shit for Christmas.
Don't let anyone break your spirit. Keep being you.
After your child is 12 months it should be mandatory to refer to them as 1,2 or 3 years old. Not 38 months old. Fuck
If you tug on Katy Perry's ponytail a piece of Pez comes out of her mouth.
Other vegetables don't wanna date celery cause they're stalkers
☑️ Lost my keys 2 years ago. Since then I've been crawling in the kitchen window.
Every year, Dave always wore normal clothes for the ugly Christmas sweater contest. And every year he won cuz we all just fuckin hated Dave.
They warned me not to run with scissors but they never said anything about pinking shears and now I have some unusual looking scars.
No u can't see my peaks, valley or mounds, simply bcuz u called them peaks, valleys and mounds.
Rode a horse once. Broke it. Potato used to be spelled with an N in it. IG, KIK, Snap: GinRumMe