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They could make an iPhone with a battery that lasts for days but then we would never put our phones down & our species would become extinct.
I lost my lightsaber up Cunda's arse.
Can't wait to feel the heat of the sun. I'll probably cream my panties.
Imagine me naked.
More uncooked turkey.
Vodka in grape juice is technically wine.
Don't take my stars personally tonight. I'm kind of drunk and just tried to retweet a sofa pillow.
I'm here. Now take your pants off.
Really, all my tweets are just subtweets to my future self to remind me how unfunny I was.
Your inspirational tweets aren't inspiring anyone.
I bet most kids that see Titanic for the first time will think that it was actually Celine Dion's song that sunk the ship.
I know everyday can be a fresh opportunity but I also know about naps, so fuck that.
Middle-age white women love spending six times as much money to craft something they could've bought at Target.
*gets off air stage*
*air signs autographs*
*goes back to air hotel*
*has sex with air groupie*
*does air heroin*
[narrating documentary about antiques]
Look at all of this old shit.
It's sad knowing that in a parallel universe there's an ugly, unfunny version of me.
I can wear my New Kids On The Block shirt because I'm a functioning adult that knows how to get down.
I would rather die than wash my clothes at a laundromat. Yuck.
Brb, it's leg day.
*goes to KFC*
If you go outside without pants on, people tend to leave you alone.
..the more you know.
Rode a horse once. Broke it. Potato used to be spelled with an N in it. IG, KIK, Snap: GinRumMe
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