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why does it say "dressing" on the mayo jar? no one puts this on salad. YES THIS IS IMPORTANT CONVERSATION, NO I WON'T GET OFF THE INTERCOM
I love sleeping next to my boyfriend after watching scary movies because he sleeps closest to the closet
*puts tin foil hat on extra tight tonight*
Girls: Season 1 /or/ How To Not Show Allison Williams Naked
I have the heart of a child.
2 of them actually. One in each hand.
There's a book on this shelf called Love, Sex and Tractors.
But there are no pictures of tractor sex, or even tractors spooning.
[interrupts psychic] But am I fat
Don't ever send me a dick pic if you're not balancing something on your boner in it.
You like this roof? Yeah, I raised it myself.
*Slaps self silly*
[obama plays it and White House goes up in flames]
Goonies never say, "But what about adult onset diabetes, Chunk?"
People think I hide my phone from them because I may have naughty pictures on it
Im really just scared theyll find all my embarrassing music
Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. Tweet more. One of these tweets will have to solve world hunger.
You brushed some snow off my car, you didn't give me a golden orgasm wand that looks like David Duchovny. Settle down, Todd, you dick.
I've got the sugar overload hiccups.
Rode a horse once. Broke it. Potato used to be spelled with an N in it. IG, KIK, Snap: GinRumMe