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Smiling during serious conversations is my favorite.
If a tree falls in the woods & no one is around to hear it, would you still drive me to drink?
Yes. The answer is definitely yes.
You're pretty confident for being so ugly.
Sorry me licking my ice cream cone gave you a boner.
Don't be a douchebag today folks.
I need a late night heart to heart over a keg.
I bought an uncooked turkey now what, who's responsible for it
K I just swiped left like 100 times. Can I come back to Twitter now?
Don't act like that's never happened to you either ladies.
My mom is making a turkey... It's the Sunday before Thanksgiving and my mom is making a turkey.
You don't know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
The ice cream section refrigerators are literally snorting at me. That, store man, is a maintenance emergency.
Tweets so good. SHE DM's YOU.
Least Impressive Powers Of The New $6 Billion Man:
Ability to eat more pizza, even when full
REALLY reliable gaydar
Men, when a woman says "yeah, you should do that."
That is not permission. That is a threat.
Whenever I go for a peaceful nature hike I accidentally start a forest fire.
Dear men on mobli,
Your dick looks the same as it did an hour ago.
Less is more.
✔when I'm drinking
✔when I'm tired
✔when I'm breathing
Times when I have no filter.
I rode a horse once and broke it. Potato used to have an N in its spelling. IG, KIK, Snap: GinRumMe