Safe words are for pussies! Fuck me till I tap out!

Ironically its exactly 12 steps from my car to the liquor store

You call it stalking I call it getting to know you whether you like it or not

Who needs a thesaurus when you can replace everything with FUCK

Midgets say the most retarded shit, like "put me down lady" "where are you taking me" just shut up and eat these fun size Snickers ya fucker

I told my parents I joined a cult. It's just easier than explaining twitter!

If you don't put Bugles on your finger tips and chase people around like a velociraptor I don't even want to know you!

This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

If you're not choking on it you're doing it wrong.

Whatever doesn't kill you just makes your drinks stronger

I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of, but that doesn't stop me from telling the stories with extreme enthusiasm.

I don't hate based on color sexual preference or religion its more like the way you chew your food you fucking horse face!

Boss: two heads are better than one Me: that's what she said! Boss: what's that? Me: I hate this job Him: suck it up Me:that's what she said

I don't judge people by the shit they tweet some of the sickest fuckers on here are the sweetest and some of the sweetest are sick fucks

It's not just a cameltoe it also doubles as a drug mule

So Alcoholics Anonymous isn't when you rotate which days and liquor stores you go to so no one finds out what a drunk you are?

I didn't play the Lottery I wasted my money on drugs and alcohol yesterday so technically I did win

Life's a whore so get drunk and fuck it

"Nice tweets add me on facebook" is like saying nice tits here put this pancho on

Kid made me slam on my brakes today so I did what any rational person would do and followed him for 17mi screaming pull over so I can stab u