There are 86,400 seconds in a day. It takes 1.4 seconds to say 'thank you' to me. That leaves you 86,398.6 left to be an asshole.

Asshole.

After watching only one episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, I'm pretty sure my tubes just tied themselves.

When people start a sentence with "You know what your problem is" I interrupt & start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

One side effect of Cialis can be hearing loss. So, a raging erection and unable to listen to a woman? It's every man's dream in pill form.

FB suggested I become a fan of "Not Getting Shot in the Face."

That will depend on what kind of weapon we're talking about here, Facebook.

Kirk's crazy, Doogie's gay and Corey's dead. My childhood dreams of marrying them still sounds better than any of my current prospects.

If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Twitter is a full blown amusement park.

One of my resolutions is to be more polite and ladylike. So, I will no longer be drunk. From now on, I'm inebriated. It's classier.

Unemployment is educational. I've learned a watched pot does boil, liquor stores open at 9am and hair can dread faster than one would think.

It's always a good morning when you wake up and there is nothing you have to delete from the night before.

"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" If by sugar you mean vodka and by medicine you mean vicodin, then call me Mary Poppins.

I'm going to assume my friend made a typo when she said Jizz Hands instead of Jazz Hands since it was a comment on Facebook and not Twitter.

By the time I manage to get this new DVD out of the packaging, I could probably just watch it on the classic movie channel instead.

After burning a grilled cheese and spilling my juice, I've decided to end the job search and enroll myself in day care.

A Facebook friend posted that her life was 'too fast paste.' I suggested that perhaps she should try and eat the paste a little slower.

I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just don't care. Then I realized I do care.

Damnit, I do care.

Old Navy claims their Whirly Skirt is "the most fun a girl can have for $15." They obviously haven't been on a trip with me to Mexico.

One year ago today I signed up for Twitter. Coincidently, it's also been a year since I have had a relationship.

It all makes sense now.

Real Con Nut, Rectal Noun, Can Not Rule, Unclean Rot, A Cunt Loner.

Oh sorry, excuse the vulgarity. Just doing anagrams for Ann Coulter.

This is the 9th Christmas I have gone without getting a tree. I think year 10 is the year I can officially steal presents from Whoville.