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The UK just legalised gay marriage, officially making America less progressive than a country with ancient monarchs buried under car parks.
Genius is 1% percent inspiration, 49% percent perspiration, 24% wasting time on the internet and 26% not showering.
SHUT UP YES IT IS.
Sometimes, when I complain about the Netflix streaming quality on my iPhone, I can almost hear Laura Ingalls Wilder whispering "Fuck you."
Sometimes Mitt Romney calls President Obama, asks him if he's looked at his pension, giggles and then hangs up. #debate
The best part of listening to the neighbors shoot off fireworks all night is knowing that nobody will hear the gunshot when I finally snap.
Oklahoma banning state courts from using Sharia Law is like Narnia banning centaurs from using lightsabers.
Wow. Arcade Fire wins Best Picture. I did not see that one coming. #Oscars
North Carolinians voted to protect traditional marriage, which they generally define as one man, one mistress, and one wife dying of cancer.
My boss just called to ask me why I wasn't at work yet. Turns out I was wrong about Shark Week being a paid holiday.
34 points to Ravenclaw.
I tried to watch the Republican National Convention on television tonite, but my female body found a way to shut that whole thing down.
In his new book, Tony Blair reveals that Pres. Bush views the world with "immense simplicity." In other news, Cookie Monster likes cookies.
I want a bag of Cheetos but the vending machine won't accept my dollar.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU GUYS, BEAR GRYLLS NEVER COVERED THIS.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to determine whether or not this sentence contains a compound predicate.
I'm thankful for Twitter and all of the wonderful new friends I've made here.
LOL, JUST KIDDING. I'm thankful for Zoloft.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art like mosquito bites and crotch sweat.
It's so amazing to live in an age where a woman who was shot in the head can look more lively than the Republican giving the #SOTU response.
Who has two thumbs and knows the power of the Dark Side? Not Luke Skywalker.
They all laughed at me for saving my 1993 Microsoft Encarta CD-ROM. They said I was mad! WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCHES?
When is the rapture coming? I don't want to pay for new Crocs if there are going to be a bunch of free ones just lying around soon.