I'm writing a novel told from the point of view of the chocolate chip lodged under my Alt Key.

Madonna's stalker just escaped from a mental hospital, so it'll probably only take him a few days to declare his bid for the GOP nomination.

Rick Santorum winning 3 primaries hours after Prop 8 gets overturned is like winning the lottery, but only being paid in dead puppies.

Surprised that I'm the only person at this Twilight premiere with a TEAM MISOGYNISTIC PARADIGMS THAT SET FEMINISM BACK 50 YEARS t-shirt.

Anyway, totally married.

"¿Dónde Está la Biblioteca?" is Spanish for "Where is the place I go to masturbate?"

The whole loaves and fishes parable sounds pretty farfetched to me, but I'd be totally willing to believe that Jesus made way too much pasta

You can't swing a dead cat in this place without hitting somebody who says you're not allowed to volunteer at this animal shelter ever again

It certainly LOOKED like that girl inhaled an entire hoagie in one bite, but you can't believe everything you see on TV. Or in a mirror.

Sometimes, when I complain about the Netflix streaming quality on my iPhone, I can almost hear Laura Ingalls Wilder whispering "Fuck you."

"That photo reminds me of our first kiss. Remember? We were watching that David Attenborough documentary about bat shit."

I'm so romantic.

In his new book, Tony Blair reveals that Pres. Bush views the world with "immense simplicity." In other news, Cookie Monster likes cookies.

My boss just called to ask me why I wasn't at work yet. Turns out I was wrong about Shark Week being a paid holiday.

Prince Harry was just bucked by his pony during a polo match! This is even worse than that time my stereotype fell off its cliché.