I fully support any type of marriage that doesn't involve me.

A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

Did I just call you a whore outloud? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I meant to call you a slut. You could never make money w/ those teeth.

Is slipping my panties off under the table & handing them to you too subtle?

Has anyone found a better cure for loneliness than vodka? Yeah, didn't think so.

I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard...

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Afternoon drinking game: Watch court shows & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

You say slut, I say Ambassador of Sexual Affairs.

Let's play doctor. You get naked, lay down & wait for 30 minutes. I'll come take a look, send you to a specialist, & charge you $189. Hot!

I wonder how many strippers are climbing on the pole to "American Woman" today. I hope it's a lot.

Putting a ring on it didn't work out so well for Samara Morgan or Gollum. You can't fool me.

Let's be honest, we are all just attention whores searching for someone who will make us feel normal or at least be a partner in insanity.

The needier you are, the funnier it is to not give you head.

I haven't got the equation figured out yet but the number of 2nd chances I give you exponentiallly increases with each orgasm you provide.

Oh, you are complaining because it's Monday? Thank you, Captain Originality. Make sure to throw in a hump day joke on Wednesday.

Ladies, guys @ Jiffy Lube are going to treat you like an idiot. So tell them your flux capacitor is broken & you just need to get to 88 mph.

A mean man on Twitter said I had no class. :( I'm clearly worried about that. Please see my previous tweets about my vagina & alcohol abuse.

Nothing says "I love you but I got drunk & slept with a transexual call girl" quite like flowers from a gas station.

I always get in trouble at pool parties. How was I supposed to know I was meant to face foward when I sat on his shoulders? More fun my way.