Before sex you help each other get naked. After sex you dress yourself. Moral of the story, no one helps you once you're fucked!

"Strap on" is "no parts" spelled backwards!!

Everyone has the ability to make someone happy...some do it by entering the room, others do it by leaving the room.

Apparently in my drunken slumber last night someone went on my Facebook and unfriended everyone I know. Why didn't I think of that?

Apparently, M&M's melt in your ass as well as your mouth.

Looks like your vagina ate all the roast beef.

I dunno why my dog eats kitty litter it tastes nothing like pussy! <Spits>

I have the bed to myself for the first time in 6 years. I 'm totally sleeping diagonally in this bitch!

It's easier to unbelieve in the Easter Bunny and that Jesus died for my sins than to believe you all are really real people.

My superpower is clearing my social calendar so I have nothing but time to drink by myself.

This vodka diet is working...although I haven't lost weight, I've lost my will to live and the desire to care what your bitch-ass thinks.

My new memory foam mattress that was delivered today cradles my bum. I'm never going to work again! I hope I get fired from work tomorrow.

i have kick ass tweets I just need people to agree with me..#FuckinFollow me #FF

Good thing I know how to use a baker's piping bag, otherwise I might never have gotten that last glass of wine out to the boxed wine bag.

My lunch money smells like the leftover dignity of a stripper.

I'm pretty sure I just blew out an ovary.

Why are you effin' texting me only to tell me you'll text me later? Moron

Where there's a Will...I want to be in it!

I wanna be star fucked so good that it will make me give up on my resolution to quit smoking #Ineedacigarette

True, you can't please everyone all the time. Some of you fav my drunk tweets, others fav my dyke tweets, yet not many fav my intellect ones