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Thinking about having my asshole bleached but just can't picture him as a blonde..
If I could be a man for a day-- I would shit with the door open, make beef jerky and beg girls to just put it in their mouth for a *minute*
Don't trust girls. We have devil magic in our vaginas.
He may be your knight in shining armor now, but at 15 years old he was in a cold basement trying to suck his own dick.
If the Schwarzenegger scandal has taught us anything it's that pussy's greatest weapon is proximity.
If I were a man today, I would offer some chick a back rub and "accidentally" slip my finger in her ass. Then I would cook on the grill.
99¢ crunchwrap supremes this summer?? It's like taco bell knows I just got my medicinal marijuana card!
The fact that oven mitts can double as knee pads supports the fact that horny housewives are genius!!
Religion is like anal sex. There's a lot of hype about it, maybe you've tried it but it's not something you want to do every Sunday
After sculpting a vagina with mashed potatoes on my desk, I was led out of work, but not on the shoulders of my co-workers as anticipated
Just found out I've been doing kegels totally wrong. On the plus side, my sphincter could probably crack a walnut.
My Match.com profile reads: 34D, I swallow and make a sweet pot roast. Also enjoys marijuana, vodka and butt sex. Your grandma will love me.
As a child I used to pretend my bike was a horse. I am sure my neighbors thought I was autistic, and I'm ok with that. They gave me snacks.
You know you have a relationship issue when someone invites you to Jerry Springer so they can tell you a secret.
Is it wrong to wish that Osama would have to endure a few rounds of airport security before we dumped his sorry ass in the water
Cannot believe my maternity leave is almost up. I still don't think I've bonded with my son. He's 12.
Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining. Just piss on me and put the 20 on the table
If I were a man for a day, I would absofuckinglutely do karate in my garage.
If your girlfriend buys lingerie at Hot Topic, there's a 97% chance she will also try to steal your IPod when you fall asleep
Hot Mom Extraordinaire..Anti-PTA, Pro-Fun
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