Bless her heart means fuck that bitch in Southern.

When I retweet I just think it's funny, I don't really want to murder hookers with you.

"Bottom's up" doesn't have to mean drinking.

My boy lost his 1st tooth today! Wait this isn't Facebook, Mommy got a new anal plug!

When someone unfollows me I just assume masturbating to my Avi was ruining their life.

Show me on the doll where the bad man stole your tweet.

Twitter: Is it jokes with friends, a game of wit, or the world's longest group suicide note?

You don't have to ask, just flip me over.

Husband is calling last night The Sex Olympics. Don't have the heart to
tell him I wasn't home and the cat will never poop again.

Packing 3 bags of clothing in my hotel room:

1.) Clean.

2.) Clean enough.

3.) Smells like pussy.

Boobs: Because you can't motorboat your fantasy football team.

How many times can you masturbate and cry before the police come? Asking for my squirrel.

Big love to the fathers whose daughters don't know the meaning of "Daddy Issues."

If you're new here, don't worry, somebody has already admitted doing your darkest secret and won a trophy and 5,000 followers for it.

Scraped a dead squirrel off the sidewalk because it's nice to have friends over for tea.

I like to be called a MILF because it's better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I'd like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Twitter taught me I can be a nice Mommy and still say fuck and pussy and clit, but it didn't go well at the PTA meeting.

Guys: What if I put crispy bacon between my legs and we just call THAT a sandwich?

Someone tweeting naked pics does *not* make them a whore, it makes them an exhibitionist.

Some girl called me kinky so I pulled the whip out of my pussy and smacked her.