I'll fuck you so hard you will be calling me the government.

Can I blow it before you put it in like a Nintendo cartridge?

I never send a hand to do a mouths job.

Vaginas wouldn't have lips if they weren't meant to be kissed.

A retweet is kind of like having sex on twitter right? If so, I'm still not getting any.

Plan B involves you putting it in my ass right?

The good thing about pussy is that no matter how much you eat, you'll never be full.

Nothing fills a woman's mouth better than two men named Ben and Jerry. And I swallowed.

For every RT I will donate $1 towards Breast Cancer awareness. I love my boobs! #ForTheBoobies

Who gives a shit if the glass is half full or half empty? If it's completely empty tell the bartender to fill that fucker back up.

A real man will take you out to dinner, buy you nice things, and fuck you so hard you can't walk the next day.

I call my vibrator Michael J. Fox because it's usually shaking 24 hours a day.

The only reason I would kick you out my bed would be to fuck you on the floor.

Alcohol is my favorite cologne.

If you follow me and never retweet or favorite my tweets you're kind of like the guy who fucks me but can never get me off.

Every woman deserves a man who buys her gifts, tells her she's beautiful, and retweets the fuck out of all of her tweets.

I'm not a whore, I'm just an Intercourse Enthusiast ;)

There's 3 things a woman loves:

1) Diamonds
2) Rough Sex
3) Being Retweeted

This Kroger has nutritional facts next to Cucumbers, haha, like I'm really buying these to eat them.

Lets make a deal while I'm hungover and don't give a fuck. If this tweet ever reaches 5,000 RT's I will show you my tits!