Are you single single, or married single?

Some of you people get stars because my 3yr old just likes clicking on them.

Celibacy is for people who can't get laid.

Him: You still doing that Tweaker Tweeter shit? Me: What the fuck? You mean Twitter? Him: Yeah, whatever the fuck that "Bird Shit" is.

Him: Why don't you cook like this babe? Her: Why don't you fuck like him?

Do you ever feel like the person you like just keeps you around for the times when the person they like isn't around?

And thanks for the DM explaining how you feel, I'm gonna print that out and wipe my ass with it.

Either you're all in, or you're all out. I can't stand just the tip. Drives me crazy.

For my next trick, I'm gonna pull this "rabbit" out of my snatch.

Don't you hate when you're playing ForRealsies, and they're playing Pretendsies?

I hate when he threatens to leave. Not because I don't want him to, but because he never does.

Why would I tell my kids that some old fat white guy gives them presents when I work my ass off every day to save for the shit they want?

One more thing, a woman who buys the value pack of condoms at 4am doesn't have time to wait in line. Ring her up quick like.

You popular people sure do have a lot of problems.

You know when you come on here and you have that one msg that makes your day? Well... I didn't get that. You shitheads.

Men shouldn't have pantylines.

I'm going to star my own tweets from now on, some of my fabulousness is being ignored. I'm Tweetastic, damn you bitches!

I'm not bitter. Ask the last guy I slept with.

I GOT CAUGHT LOOKING AT THE NEIGHBOR WITH THE BINOCULARS

You only wanna follow me 'cuz I have some really sweet tits. I'm okay with that.