Never mind caution, throw everything into the wind... then duck, that shit comes back.

If you can't laugh at yourself... I'd love to do it for you.

I do believe my Toyota's gas pedal is stuck. It drove straight on by the gym with me kicking and screaming inside. #saveme

They say smiles are the second best thing you can do with your lips, I'm thinking it's the third best thing.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

Yes, actions do speak louder than words, that's why I smashed your face with this hammer.

I'm watching the crazy parade go by.... oh sh*t that's a mirror.

I just unlocked the "lick-me" badge on foursquare!

Pay no attention to that whore behind the curtain. Oops I mean that lovely woman behind the drapes.

Dontcha hate when you can't find your cell phone and it turns out your talking on it?

I've been starring so much I'm starting to see stars in my sleep, in my food, dancing around my head, oh and pasties. #YeahIsaidIt.

Anal leakage its not as funny as it sounds. Just ask the man in front of me.

Twitter’s new motto: We’re not happy until you’re not happy. #InspiredByFailwhale

I'm not ignoring you, I just don't give a sh*t what you say. #justsaying

Damn I think my computer is tweeting for me. I would never say anything like that.

Lions and tigers and bears oh my. Wine and pizza and sex oh yeah!

I'm surrounded by loud Italian New Yorkers arguing about who the Yankees are playing tonight. I'm ready to start throwing punches. ☺

What is all the bra talk about today? OOOHHH Worldcup = large bra? Amirite?

Fail whale I'm going to put a stick of sizzling dynamite in your blow hole!

Wow she gave me a pill. Wobder llllllll wondr what it was. Baaad. GloGurL