Why is it called a butt plug and not a manhole cover

I saw my dad the other day. He was like "Hi Michael!" and I was like "Uh how did you get out of your cage? No berries for you today."

Let's all take a deep breath then loudly say, Fuck it.

Ever get that sneaking suspicion that you've posted a Tweet before?

Ever get that sneaking suspicion that you've posted a Tweet before?

I swear to god, if you get between me and my caffeine, I will slice your Achilles tendon and then pull your nuts up through your throat.

I smell good enough to eat.

What?!? My new perfume smells really good.

I quit smoking one week ago and it the best, healthiest, life changing decision I've ever made that makes me want to claw my eyes out daily.

right im off to be a person for a bit...i know...real life sucks...laters...

My stomach has been the busiest part of my body this morning

Until one the flavors is "Coffee"…

I refuse to "Taste the Rainbow".

I write about my joy.
I write about my pain.
I write to say the things I cannot say.

I write to let the thoughts out that need to escape.

I fake it when I masturbate.

Boston is probably the only major city that if you fuck with them, they will shut down the whole city...stop everything.. and find you.

Everybody is sticking their tongue out on IG and I think some of you might have a touch of the thrush.

I hate it when I don't finish my vegetables, and my wife sends me to bed, without my porn.

CNN is reporting Boston bombing suspect is now dating Manti Te'o.

Each time I pass the giant crucifix next to IH-35 north of Oklahoma City I find myself saying, "Holy Cross, Batman!"

After all...I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, trying to figure out how many drinks it will take for her to sleep with me.

When a disaster happens, often times it exposes beautiful things like the good nature of most of humanity.

Twitter is different on weed. Instead of everyone's tweets being funny. This Hot Pocket is fucking delicious.