If you can't laugh at yourself... I'd love to do it for you.

Never mind caution, throw everything into the wind... then duck, that shit comes back.

I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Yes, actions do speak louder than words, that's why I smashed your face with this hammer.

I'm watching the crazy parade go by.... oh sh*t that's a mirror.

I just unlocked the "lick-me" badge on foursquare!

They say smiles are the second best thing you can do with your lips, I'm thinking it's the third best thing.

You'll never take me alive! Unless... is that cookies you have there?

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

I do believe my Toyota's gas pedal is stuck. It drove straight on by the gym with me kicking and screaming inside. #saveme

Hope I don’t get murdered, I don’t want detectives reading my DMs.

You know when your new follower has 9,070 followers and follows 502? You follow them back and then they unfollow you. That. ~ Fuck you.

I'm thinking vodka is the answer. What was the question again?

Dontcha hate when you can't find your cell phone and it turns out your talking on it?

I lost my lovely new pearl necklace in the shower. Don’t worry I’ll get another tonight.

Friends with benefits are a human right. Get on it.

Trying an experiment, every time I read a tweet I'm drinking a big gulp of wine. I forget the rest.

I tried to sleep but my loud singing kept me awake.

I wonder if I have to register my dog as a sex offender.

Anal leakage its not as funny as it sounds. Just ask the man in front of me.