I'm sick of shaving a landing strip when I'm not getting any air traffic.

I think a stranger with benefits sounds more appealing.

I'd make a sex tape if I wasn't so afraid it would just end up being a public service announcement about the needs of a gym membership.

The best relationships are the ones where you drive each other crazy and keep each other sane.

Never give up on your dreams, unless you have children.

Why do guys ask for your hand in marriage when it's the pussy they really want?

Face down, ass up. That's the way I like to check for monsters under my bed.

My Christmas tree is really small and says air freshener on it.

My secret handshake is pretty much just giving you the finger until you go away.

I ran out of Febreeze so I couldn't clean my house today.

I'm not sure where some people are getting their information, but the best things in life are really fucking expensive.

Everyone I know is married and having kids and I'm over here working on a list of how many things I can do around my house without pants.

I think I sprained my middle finger trying to interact with people today.

I lost my temper, but I always have extra.

My sleep number is 80 proof.

I'm 100% positive that I never want to have children because I'm adamantly against loving someone more than me.

The difference between my dog and your kid is that my dog wasn't an accident.

Breakups are a lot like losing someone to death except with a breakup, the corpse keeps showing up to make you feel worse.

If at first you don't succeed, it's important that you have a little saying to keep you from realizing you're a loser.

I can't tell if you're the love of my life or the reason I'm going to end up in a mental hospital.