I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

I enter Build-A-Bear, my heart racing. "I want total artistic control," I explain. The cashier silently buzzes for security.

As I got dressed I sang "Oh, I wanna pants with somebody / I wanna feel the pleats with somebody." (I'm so scared of dying alone dear God)

The fact that women's bodies are capable of producing actual drinkable milk deserves a legit slow clap.

I want a Times New Roman on the streets but a Wingdings in the sheets

Asked for my chicken wings boneless today and added "like my Saturday night" and the waitress walked out the door and into traffic

My Christmas tree is probably like "Give me more water! I miss my friends! Are those Doritos your dinner? What's instagram?"

Let's just admit that Stevie Nicks was a haunted bag of scarves and move on.

"What the hell are these?" -Adam Levine, seeing a shirt sleeve

I have more anxiety about my low cell phone battery than I do about my career, relationships or general direction of my life.

We get it, avocados. You're a dollar fucking extra.

Accidentally turned my clocks back to Hammertime.

It must've been hard for Michelle Branch to also be Vanessa Carlton.

just saw a homeless woman using a fork as a brush and my first thought was: holy shit she's a mermaid

If you have a boyfriend who has a beard, and you don't refer to him as your beardfriend, I'd love to know what the hell is wrong with you.

Whoa! Tried to click on to Twitter just now and accidentally earned a Bachelor's from the University of Phoenix!

You could pour pumpkin flavored cement on the ground and white girls would line up to drink it.

"Fuck. He's down by the schoolyard again." -Julio's parole officer

#AutomaticTurnOns motion sensor lights

All my atheist friends can burn in nowhere.