Shout out to the @acehardware employee for making no remarks on my purchase of a plunger, rubber gloves, and Drain-o

.@pandora_radio my Something Corporate station played a Jonas Brothers song today? Please advise.

I haven't known what music to listen to since the last OC Mix was released #riptheOC #ripmarissa #sethandsummerforever

One of my favorite things about life is seeing adults dance in front of their clearly humiliated teenage children

In the past 24 hours I've seen a fat old lady dancing topless in a park, and a (different) fat old lady peeing in the street! #blessed

I was only asked by 4 people if I was "still single!" (I talked to 4 people in total.) #mormonweddingreception

Everyone hit the dance floor for "Gangam Style." I'm tweeting from the handicapped stall. #mormonweddingreception

"Does anyone know the WiFi password here?"--what NOT to say at a wedding reception, apparently

Kudos to the couple in front of me who brought their baby to Django Unchained! #parentsoftheyear

My dinner consisted solely of applesauce, cottage cheese, and yogurt, so apparently I'm now a senior citizen?

Hey, what filter is everyone using to Instagram their "I Voted" stickers tomorrow?

.@barackobama Can you declare Halloween a federal holiday, or is that something that needs to go through Congress first?

Things I pretend to like to seem more "adult": Indian food, Downton Abbey, parties, other people

@continent1 if you wrote "older brother" instead of "younger sister," the tweet still works too!

Actual text I received last night: "I have a car for a week. Wanna hunt titz?" #ineednewfriends

"OMG pumpkin spice lattes!"--people I hate

How long do I have to pretend to hate One Direction before it becomes cool to like them ironically?

Last night a drag queen said my hair color was "to die for," so I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now

Trying to sleep, so naturally my roommate and his girlfriend are having a drunken shouting match about gay marriage

If part of becoming an adult is pretending salad tastes good, then I've got a long way to go