Stop unfollowing me. I'll get awesome again. We all get an off day here and there. YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!

I love coffee so much. I would stalk it, make it have sex with me, get knocked up and have its babies, iron its shirts and cook its dinners.

Sometimes I look at the TV and I wish someone would tell me what to do with my unwanted and broken gold, and what drugs to ask my doc about.

If my way wasn't the best way, I wouldn't be doing it, duhhhh.

Hey followers flirting with my other followers. Stop that! You belong to ME. ;-)

You pussies and your vodka. If you don't drink whiskey you have no idea what drinking is all about.

I swear I am going to kill this phone and bury it so deep not even our future robot overlords will find it.

Twitter. Because I just saw a Facebook status that said "beach and fishing" and my brain read "bitch and fisting."

For Black Friday I hang out with black people. You guys are doing it all wrong.

Friday Follows are exhausting and make my head hurt.

Notice to all who thought I was going to make something of my life: I am drinking whiskey in bed and watching old Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

You now what I hate? Most things.

Has anyone noticed that Miley Cyrus looks like an ugly, skinny skater boi with tits? What's up with that?

So awesome: @dirty_alexxx @roy_meijer_ @apunch2thejunk @hollygirl84 @gingergirl1118 @theimmortalgoat @playing_dad @jhenning1022 @treywafer

I'm so close to 300 followers I feel kinda popular.TAKE THAT, cool kids from high school who aren't even on Twitter because they have lives!

It's a grey morning but I feel the hopefulness that occurs when a weekend hasn't yet been ruined.

My kid just confused Twilight Zone with Twilight, which means I have failed as a parent.

I love it when I attempt to flirt with my husband and he magically becomes autistic. Wtf

What is the difference between two big dicks and a joke? Most cunts can't take a joke.

@normsbookclub On this date in 1851, Moby-Dick, a novel by Herman Melville, was published by Harper & Brothers.