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Stop unfollowing me. I'll get awesome again. We all get an off day here and there. YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
I love coffee so much. I would stalk it, make it have sex with me, get knocked up and have its babies, iron its shirts and cook its dinners.
Sometimes I look at the TV and I wish someone would tell me what to do with my unwanted and broken gold, and what drugs to ask my doc about.
If you don't rock out to Journey you can fuck right off.
If my way wasn't the best way, I wouldn't be doing it, duhhhh.
Hey followers flirting with my other followers. Stop that! You belong to ME. ;-)
You pussies and your vodka. If you don't drink whiskey you have no idea what drinking is all about.
I swear I am going to kill this phone and bury it so deep not even our future robot overlords will find it.
The world needs more Alfred Hitchcock and less whatever the fuck they're showing on TV nowadays.
You now what I hate? Most things.
Twitter. Because I just saw a Facebook status that said "beach and fishing" and my brain read "bitch and fisting."
For Black Friday I hang out with black people. You guys are doing it all wrong.
Friday Follows are exhausting and make my head hurt.
Has anyone noticed that Miley Cyrus looks like an ugly, skinny skater boi with tits? What's up with that?
Having your kid as your picture doesn't make you look like a dedicated parent. It lets us know once you had kids you gave up on yourself.
Notice to all who thought I was going to make something of my life: I am drinking whiskey in bed and watching old Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
Yeah, I pretty much do look that stupid all the time. Thanks for asking.
Simpleton is a good insult. Start calling people simpleton again. It will make you feel happy inside.
Weird chick, retro/vintage fan, immature dreamer, plant freak, enfant terrible, drinker, lover of classic film, birdwatcher, looking for my inner Buddha.