I'll stop pirating music when so called "entertainers" can't afford to rent out an entire hospital floor for the birth of their ugly baby.

The "c" in rap is silent.

"Please just suck it. Please just suck it." ~ Every guy getting a handjob from his wife/girlfriend.

When I masturbate with Vick's Vapor Rub, I get the sensation I just fucked a York Peppermint Patty.

I'm still not sure what's worse: Bringing sexy back or bringing Nickelback.

Mom: What's the difference between Facebook and Twitter?
Me: Facebook is sex with a condom. Twitter is being rawdogged and creampied.

If no one's said I love you to you today, then I love you. Everyone should be told that every day of their lives.

Any father what won't play princess or have a tea party with his daughter is an asshole.

So you're fucking telling me that shitty song from Creed was called "My Sacrifice" and not "My Sack of Rice?"

Why is it that people have to get all decked out like Lance Armstrong just to take a fucking bike ride?

Yelling "Swiper no swiping!" while getting mugged seemed to only piss off the mugger because he hates Dora as much as I do.

Live. Laugh. Fuck off.

Dear Hollywood: not everyone from the South sounds like we just had a 4 way with our 1st cousin, our mother, and a goat. Fuck you.

I might flirt or play around on Twitter, but one thing I will always be is a faithful husband and good father.

Why hasn't Charmin introduced a new toilet paper that does anal bleaching while you wipe? Do I have to think of everything?

If you say Nickleback in the mirror 3 times you'll be visited by Coldplay.

Casual Friday at the office should not look like a white trash field trip to Wal-Mart.

People that make fun of kids with special needs: I hope you fucking die.

Another Megachurch going up. Guess we'll call this one Six Flags Over Jesus.

I'd rather be rawdogged by an AIDS infected albino with ginger dyed hair than watch Glee.