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Here's why signing in is good for you.
You make me laugh, I star your shit. I make you laugh, you star my shit.
When and why did it ever get more complicated than that?
Blind people suck. Yeah I said it. Not out loud, but you know, on here
Bugs Bunny just shook the fuck out of a baby and threw it against the ceiling, and it pulled a knife on him. I fuckin' love the old cartoons
If you're using your instead of you're or you're instead of your, you're using your words wrong and you're an idiot
If you can hear In The Air Tonight, and NOT air drum like a fucking fool, then fuck you I don't want to be your friend.
Of my 30-ish followers at least 10 are "real" people, so I expect to make the favstar leaderboard within hours
What is it about taking a nap that can either make you feel like you had a threesome with angels, or got skull fucked by grizzly bears?
Look, not every tweet is going to be great. Who do you think I am, @julianperretta ?
I'm pretty sure "Touché" is French for "shut the fuck up, asshole"
I have to admit you guys scared me a little bit. For a minute I thought I accidentally logged into facebook!
Voicemail from my 8 yr old son: "Hi dad it's me. Call me when you get this. Love you, bye. You rock!" And suddenly the world is ok with me
Whoever came up with "bros before hoes" was pretty fucking stupid because bros don't have vaginas or boobs.
To avoid offending those who don't celebrate new years, instead of "Happy New Year" I'll be saying "fuck all y'all bitches". Because I care.
I was sad because I had no shoes until I cut off my feet, because fuck those shoe companies and their expensive ass shoes!
I am a Twitter God! One of the lesser gods, sure. Not like the Twitter Zeus or anything, but still pretty awesome.
When anybody mentions 'the gay community', I imagine that it must be a beautiful neighborhood, with immaculate yards and fabulous decor.
U ever get so sick of trying to stuff a good joke into 140 characters that you throw ur phone on the ground and stomp on it? Me either,yet..
WTF are you talking about?
