In the future, we'll mourn the extinction of sexy librarians, and celebrate the birth of sexy kindle repair ladies with our robot dingdongs.

The infinity symbol looks like a cave painting of boobs, and that's how much everybody loves boobs. Coincidence?

I hate it when people think they are beating me at something I'm not even participating in.

Everyday is a journey, and I forgot to pee before I left. Is the coffee pot still on? These slacks look stupid on me. I smell weird. Abort!

"Don't force the pickle on them. Let it be a subtle component of pleasure." creepy sandwich artist

I would do things for a liquor bottle that would make a klondike bar gasp.

Never underestimate the value of having the bed all to yourself.

I used to wake up and only hear my thoughts. Not anymore. Thanks, twitter.

Why can't birds have antlers? Socks make my ankles itch. A medieval lady is running. A lot of cleavage for an era before bras. Mind vs Nap

Of all the senses I'm keen to, nonsense overrides.

My tipsy is probably your drunk. It's nothing to brag about, but it's all I got.

They say exercise with a healthy diet can improve overall mood, so I've been bench pressing kale.

I don't know how long I've been making it, but I was making a face. I hope it's not a default face, because it felt angry or frog-like.

If you hear about a crazy guy in a loin cloth smashing computers in the forest in a few weeks, that's me.

I'm pretty much a philanthropist, because living such a low life boosts others. I could easily be successful, but no. I do it for you.

Why is the "Back In 5 Minutes" sign glued to the entrance?

How weird is it that humans sleep, wake up, and there is a bean with a drug to help with waking?

Vaginas have the unique ability to invoke sympathy for its host.

I'm the character in a horror that you think is the killer, but saves you, and he is just a gentle and eccentric taxidermist. Then he dies.

Sorry if I talk to you.