If I can hear you chewing... I probably hate you

I'm abstinent by choice - it's not my choice but it's a choice

How do you say "Shut the fuck up before I gut you with a potato peeler" in white trash?

Anyone want to get wasted & watch Muppets?

Kissing a woman's hand should never gone out of fashion.

I'd sleep around more but girls keep saying no...

If we kill Lady Gaga can we bring Johnny Cash back from the dead?

Hey Women reading this - you're beautiful don't forget that.

I'm eating bacon, drinking Pabst & sitting around in my underwear if anyone's interested in a husband?

This job application had a place to put in your Twitter Account - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - no

People need to stop saying "Swag" like it's a thing

I'm working on a Nutella flavored Vodka that comes with a sample of Xanax & Valium... I'm going to call it The Twitter

Suicide is not a joke - reach out & talk to someone, anyone please

You're never drinking alone if you're on Twitter

I lost followers... I hope I offended you

Just smacked a bee in mid-air with a dishrag - where's my mask I'm ready for Ninja School now

When I'm surrounded by children who don't use manners I want to beat their parents to death

I'm not looking for much out of this life - just some of that Morticia & Gomez love

The only acceptable reasons to Air Drum are Rush & Phil Collins

So what if I just ate a can of pears from the can while surrounded by Star Wars toys..... #FuckYouDontJudgeMe